Tabishland

This old chestnut has been making the rounds for quite a while, but it assumes a certain degree of poignancy when you're a native Pittsburgher living alone in downtown Chicago. I've made a few refinements, based on personal experience. Thanks to my former Dec Pro editor Lou Pilla for jogging my memory. And my apologies to those of you who don't get all the references.

You know you're from western Pennsylvania when:

The first day of buck season is a school holiday.

There are only three spices: salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup.

You have gum bands on your desk.

Driving is easier in winter because the potholes are filled with snow, even though the roads are slippy.

Words like hoagie, crick and pop actually mean something to you.

The phrase "fire hall wedding reception" is redundant.

You constantly refer to Pennsylvania as Pee-Ay.

You know where Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Paradise, Mars, Wall and Slippery Rock are, or at least you've heard of them.

You remember that there was no Winky's in Wilmerding from the ads on the Groovy QV.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You often switch from heat to AC in the same day.

You routinely eat cold pizza for breakfast and know others who do the same.

You know what Reymer's Lemon Blennd is.

You've never seen a Walgreens in your life.

You immediately check your fly when told that "Kennywood's open."

The only place to get real jumbo, chipped ham and Klondikes was at Isaly's.

Your childhood dream was to cross the bridge with Ricki and Copper. Barring that, you wanted to meet Nosmo King or Rodney and Knish.

The experts call it North Midland U.S. English, but you know it's Pittsburghese.

You know city chicken contains no chicken.

If Shakespeare had been from Pittsburgh, Hamlet's soliloquy would have been "Or not."

You know what a State Store is.

Your waitress offers to redd up your table and hotten your coffee for yinz without axing her because she's being nebby.

You knew what a jagoff was before Dennis Miller made the term mainstream.

Your town has a Kerneggy liberry.

Duquesne is "du-Kane", but DuBois is "Doo-boys" and North Versailles is North "verSells."

You liked Josie Carey more than Mr. Rogers.

You consider Rolling Rock to be a second-rate beer from an obscure brewery. The only good thing in Latrobe is the Stillers Training Camp. Real men drink Arn.

You know "Casey" is Pennsylvanian for "Kennedy".

New Yorkers go to the Hamptons. Pittsburghers go to Tionesta.